lots of big changes-long time coming. after this bout i am taking a leave from derby. a lot of random things happened that didnt paint prd in a favorable light to me. plus i got to the point where i would like to do other things too. i was spending 5 nights a week at practice and totally missing out on the summer things that make me happy. something that was supposed to RELIEVE my stress was totally causing it.

i also decided that i am going on a volunteer vacation. its going to cost about 2 grand so its not going to be for a while. its totally worth it. it is like a week long peace corps trip. im so excited. i still have more research to do but it totally seems like something im into. 

im getting so bored with things around here. i think im in a bit of rut. instead of getting restless in the situation like i usually do i think im going to use this time to refuel. im not in a relationship. i dont have any obligations outside of work. im going to enjoy this time to myself to leave kat fight behind for a while and work on katie.

"I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And everytime I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain..."

Ah God (Mariah Carey), always the voice of reason and wisdom. So anyways-whats new with me? Feels like I am constantly posting about a number of different and unrelated situations have challenged me to be a stronger person. Truth is, lately that has been the case. I feel like I have had to step up and speak my mind about a lot of things that I felt were not right.

And I have to say, I am totally proud of the way I have handled myself. I have done with class and dignity. I (with support) have kept my chin up. My struggles have developed my strengths. I feel like a better person for it. I feel like I have proved to myself that I can handle situations of adversity in a desirable fashion.

I even feel bad wasting my time talking about these things that have caused stress in my life. I do not mean to sound totally negative. I have many things in life that i am grateful for. My true friends, my family, my health, my job which affords me the ability to help people in REAL crisis. It is these petty annoyances that take away from the beauty of life. I am lucky to have what I have.

I have never been someone to run my mouth but I have always been one to stand up for what I believe in. Martin Luther King once said "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter." I have lived that quote all my life and I will continue to do so. I have learned a lot of valuable lessons through everything and will take them with me as I continue my journey through this sometimes trying life.

so im sick...again. i got really sick the day i came back from philly. everyone at Blackstone is sick and after a whole weekend of not eating or sleeping and playing a heavy contact sport (derby)....and the stress of driving down in a blizzard i now am the proud owner of the flu. and it sucks. this is the first week that i am starting my job as the "person in charge" too. everyone is coming to me and i look like something scraped up off the streets of Central Falls. real professional, katie. despite the setbacks, so far so good. im enjoying my new responsibilities. im pretty much stepping up the way i hoped i would, but that is not without a ton of stress. (what in my life isnt)  on top of that, they are painting the other office starting tomorrow which is going to put a lot of crap in the air. 

i really just need a shower and to actually get dressed. that will make me feel a lot better. doing my hair and putting on some makeup will hopefully make me feel worlds better.

so apparently we set our clocks ahead tonight. im fine with that. i love light! and warm weather! ive heard that the reason we are pushing daylight savings time ahead of the rest of the world is for some consumer driven reason but whatever. 

im all alone at work right now. all of the tenants are gone. its quiet which is good but im sad because this is the 2nd beautiful saturday im missing out on. ugh. 

another busy weekend is upon me. i must say though-i am surrounded by good people. which means it is worth it to be exhausted by monday because weekends are spent in the company of those who truly make me happy. 

i need a nap. bad. and i also need to catch up on In Touch Weekly and season 2 of The Office. damn i have a busy day ahead of me. haha.

Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man's room
She said I'm ready...for you
I can't remember anything to this very day
'Cept the look, the look...


so i guess updating on saturdays works out to be a good idea. i have nothing to do at work. i like to write. writing helps me get out my frustrations...so its a marriage of convenience. nice. 

so this week has been okay. im finally in a good mood. work is going well. i am heading up a newsletter called "Transitional Living," which i did on my own and my boss was really happy with the results. its good info for everyone to read. and ive finally found a way to use my degree at work! amazing! haha. 

what else...went to see Sasquatch last night. good show. good people :) im just now starting to realize that things before werent right. its amazing how it takes finding someone to show you how things SHOULD be to realize how fucked up things in the past were. granted every time i think about that situation i cringe, cry or get pissed-im doing okay. ill never get over it. i think ill just get used to the way things are now. 

so needless to say i am feeling alive finally. and im feeling alive and okay with the general population of the world.  sure i still feel animosity towards some. sure there are certain people who i wish would move across the world so i would never be faced with any trace of them-but i think thats just life. 

you know when a feeling comes over you and you know its gonna be a good day? i have that feeling right now. im working til 5, then im going to Trample, Jailbird and Dukes' trampoline birthday party followed by Russ and Shanna's coming home party! (so pumped to see Russ after like 10 years and to finally meet Shanna) and then finally out to the cluh with Meg and hopefully the Wand. busy night.

tomorrow im going to Melissa's food tasting for her wedding, then we are watching bout footage and having practice and then Dolly and I are doing a workshop on game logistics. 

this all means i will probably never get to sleep....but im okay with that. im going to have to spend some much needed QT with Carrie. i hope its beautiful then so we can go to the park. 

i wish everyone an invigorating day to mirror the one im having! much love!

lately everything has made me cry. we had the debutante ball last night. we got a TON of donations for the shelter. that made me cry. im glad people are willing to help others. the ball itself was different than i expected. not worse, not better. just different. and thats fine. lately that has been the theme of my life. not worse not better than expected. just different. im okay with that. 

after a long long long drawn out period of distress on my part-i am making peace with everything that has happened in my life recently. and i mean EVERYTHING. theres a lot of things i should probably say-but i wont. i can vocalize them to meg. sometimes i can even vocalize them to jenn or my mother-but i have a real problem saying what i want to the people i want to say them to. 

also after a way too long drawn out period of teeth pulling aka trying to get people to do things that they dont want to or arent necessarily ready for- i am finally satisfied to begin again. and im going to do it right this time. 

life is not only about abrupt ends. or bad endings, or sadness. thats why i love spring so much. its all about new beginnings. ive come to terms that i cant control the actions of others-only my own actions. and my own REactions to the actions of other people. good.

philly is coming up. less than a month away. im not sure if we are even prepared. im hoping we are. the thing with derby that people who dont play dont understand is that it gets under your skin. it infiltrates your entire being until you feel weird NOT skating. im also okay with that. i think its safe to say ive achieved a certain serene balance in derby and in life. ive realized that i can never be something im not. theres things about me i like-and things i dont. unfortunately some of the things i DONT like-i will never be able to change despite how hard i try. 

ive chosen to put off going to grad school for a while. i want to spend my money doing things ive never done. getting in a funk is never good. being in a funk harbors discontent. 

okay i think ive waxed philisophical enough for one entry. god i am so heady sometimes.

ah livejournal. where have you been all my life? or rather-where have i been all yours? my only reason for updating today is out of sheer bordem. so here goes-nothing really new here. i was fortunate enough to make the Rhode Island Riveters (the PRD travel team.) We have a bout against the Gotham Girls of New York next Saturday.

i cant even begin to think about what has transpired since I last updated. tons of stuff im sure. i need to update this thing way more than i do. hmm hmm-writers block in my own life journal. sad.

so im not sure if anyone knows who Jane Bainter is, but she is the woman for whom the song "Jane Says" by Jane's Addiction was written. I sent her a fan email and her is what she said to me:


Date: May 15, 2006 2:11 PM
Subject: RE: No Subject
Body: Hi Kat,

You seem like fun; I also would like to meet you. Vewry flattering having me on your home page. I am selling autographed copies of WHores on e-bay - search under Whores signed. I've been meaning to write a book but my life has been crazier than ever lately - literally.

You may be interested to hear, that in my own cosmology, I feel that I am at least 70% (it bleeds into the universe) Marilyn Monroe reincarnated. I was born exactly 3 days after she died!. I have alot of very strange and coincindental stories.... Hope all is well in R.I. this summer. I went to Smith college and my best friend from school just got tenured at Harvard (Midevail studies). I am looking to move out of here (crisis but is it mid-life?!)

Lots of love,

Jane


unbelievable. totally amazing. im psyched.

dude i am such a mess. i havent updated in this thing for 2304832 years. so i decided to visit my old friend lj. i got some new things this week. im so excited to have purchased the newest car ive ever owned. a beautiful green 2001 toyota solara. i love it. i am psyched. also i got my hair cut. its kinda short. and cute. and finally looks like hair again as opposed to a big stringy mess. i think im gonna keep it like this. ♥. lets see...what else...oh i passed all my derby tests and got my name. im Kat Fight #311. so thats fun. our first bout is may 26th. i am the merchandise coordinator for the league. which is cool but kinda stressful at the same time. im good with responsibility but at the same time it freaks me out because im always afraid i wont get the things done that need to be done. so thats basically my life. derby. work. the occasional hanging out with my friends. i cant complain. life is pretty good. and spring is coming. which makes everything better. spring is my favorite time of year. its a time of rebirth and new things. its a time for me to purge my life of everything i am not happy with. over the past couple of days ive realized i need to calm down a little bit. i dont really know how-but im going to try. so thats all i have for now. hopefully my updates will be a little more regular here on out.

i never ever write in this thing anymore. i guess i should start. i bottle a lot of things up inside me that never get out. oh well-ive come to the realization that there are a lot of things i will never talk about to pretty much anyone. its bad enough i only trust like 2.5 people in my life. whatever. im starting to see things that i really hate. i am so aggravated. i am disgusted. i dont know what to do. oh well. im sure i will figure something out. my brain is conflicting with itself.

ive decided that my two goals for before i leave blackstone will be to start the masters of social work program and speak fluent spanish. i would also like an apartment and a new car but those are pretty big dreams. i will settle for a running car and a roommate at this point.

its weird the way as a little kid you have thoughts of how your life will turn out. mine right now is nothing like what i thought it would be. im not sure at what point i stopped being a kid and reality set in-but i kind of want to go back to that place where i can be anything and do anything. i want to be back at the place where there were no worries. where everyone got along. the place where just living was not a chore but an exciting experience.